Chapter V – Crooked Man
…I have spent a lot of time with Alex. The trip we planned for Miami fell through, so we spent most of the day, Friday chillin and getting to know each other better.
I made up my mind when I first met him not to sweat him, to give him space during his two to three week Christmas break. So on that personal understanding I went about my normal weekend activities of going to church and hanging out with my boys from church.
Still, Alex was on my mind most of the time because it was New Year’s Eve and I wanted to ring it in with him. He had already told me that he probably wouldn’t be free until after the new year rang in. Although I was disappointed, I was cool with that because it gave me a chance to catch up on sleep. The problem, however, was he never called again after that conversation to let me know the deal. Now I’m disappointed and hurt.
During my Sunday morning walk, I thanked God for the opportunity to meet Alex and then commenced to fill his ethereal ears with my feelings. I felt a bit weird expressing my hurt to God about this new thing in my life, especially knowing that He disapproves. Yet, I let it all flow because He said, “cast all your cares on me.” I did. Afterwards, I prayed for my family, Alex again, and my future plans. Since meeting Alex, I’ve been walking and talking with God a lot more.
I caught up with him later Sunday afternoon for lunch/dinner at a restaurant near the airport. He looked great. I had only seen him in sweats and t-shirts, but this time I was able to see the real Alex: gray slacks, wine loafers, black long sleeve button down, and chardonnay long sleeve sweater vest.
After dinner, I dropped him off and went to my Mom’s to chill. Then I scooted on home to fill out an application for employment at an assisted living facility. But before I made it home, I stopped at Target. No, actually I’m mixed up. I stopped at Target on my way to my Mom’s after dropping Alex off at his house. I remember because I picked up some flowers for my mom and a rose for him. I wanted him to know I was grateful for the time we had spent together.
I had planned to drop off the rose and a note at his place, you know, leave them on his windshield – classic romanticism, but opted to take them with me to the club that night; since I told Derrick I would go with him to see the show; and immediately after that I told Alex I would see him there since he had been asked by a friend to go also.
The crowd was scarce. The attention I received that night, however, was far from insufficient. One guy in particular continued to express how gorgeous I was, and once Alex made it and the patrons caught a glimpse of us together, it was done. Yet, I’m having mixed emotions about the progress of our relationship. Yes, I’m happy to know that Alex is interested in me; especially since I was nervous that he wasn’t, because he was being, or seemingly being elusive. It was funny to hear him say the other night that he didn’t think I liked him because I show him no affection. It was funny because the reason I had restricted the affection was because I thought that it would be unwelcome.
Saturday morning I had told God that I wasn’t going to deal with Alex anymore. I was going to give him three days and if he didn’t call within those days then I would leave it alone and continue on solo. The three-day ultimatum, funny, Jonah was in the belly of a fish for three days and Jesus was in the ground for three days. Since I was still on the run like my boy Jonah, I could hardly compare my three days of waiting to Christ’s in the grave. Anyway, he called at 8:23 p.m. I was shocked and excited. I remember telling him that I was happy to hear from him. Why? Today, I talked to God about my issues with rejection. I’m glad to know that Alex is interested, because if he had rejected me by not calling, I would wonder why and what was wrong with me. I would question if it was Father doing it, or if Alex had truly become disinterested.
I like Alex. So, where does that leave me? Where am I going from here? Where does that put me with God? I know He will love me even if I decide to go against His wishes and date Alex. I know that at some point in the future if I’m with Alex, our relationship will strain my relationship with God. It’s inevitable.
Alex spent a few hours with me at my apartment, yesterday. It was cool. After the conversation we had Friday night, or more like early Saturday morning, the unspoken restrictions we were putting on ourselves have loosened.
We talked about our futures, touched on our future, breezed over our past, and summarized a few idiosyncrasies about the other that we had noticed over the past three weeks. We also defined our relationship: Chillin’ with the hope of growth. Alex and I agreed on the realization that we were both looking for something long term. The difference, however, is that if this doesn’t work with Alex, then I am done. Whether that means I will go gung-ho for God again, begging for His forgiveness; or, I just chill and do my thing as a single man for the rest of my days, I don’t know. Because God still hasn’t promised me the life that I am hoping for, I know that I will have to accept what He feels is best and trust that it is what is best for me. But I don’t trust that, and I definitely don’t want to accept it.
So, is Alex a filler until I decide what to do?
No. He is a legitimate date; a serious suitor. I expressed my sentiments about us to him:
“I have a lot riding on you, Alex,” I said.
What do you mean by that?”
“I bet you $200 I can have you,” I said.
He laughed. “Let’s get that money then.”
“For real though, I have a lot riding on you because if we don’t work out then that’s it.”
“That’s it…meaning you’re going to leave guys alone?”
I said, “Yes. Exactly.”
I know that things probably won’t work out. Male to male intimate relationships don’t work for the long run in my opinion. So, not only am I doubtful about where Alex and I will end up, but I’m also unsure as to whether I want to continue with God, even if Alex and I stop chillin’ today.
Do I love God? No. I care for Him, so I don’t like to hurt Him. I appreciate Him, so I try to do things that will please Him; things that He appreciates. I respect Him and in return I try to emulate Him. I enjoy Him, which makes me want to spend time with Him. I love things about Him, so like Peter, when asked if I will leave Him I reply, “Where will I go?” But, like the disciples that left after hearing the “hard sayings” of Christ, I think that leaving is best…